What Stage of Life Are You Leading From? Why Deconditioning™ Is the Missing Link in Leadership Development

Authentic leadership doesn’t start with strategy. It starts with self. Whether you’re navigating early career ambition or midlife reinvention, your stage of life directly shaped the way you lead. And yet, leadership development programs rarely account for that. We need to talk about deconditioning™ in the workplace and the inherited beliefs, survival scripts, and outdated metrics that impede executive growth.

Real leadership work begins when you pause long enough to ask the hard questions: What am I carrying? Where did it come from? Does it still serve me?

As a reminder, stage one of my deconditioning™ framework requires excavation. It isn’t about solving or fixing – it’s about noticing. We look at the systems, stories, and beliefs that got embedded in us before we had a say. We get to name them, so they no longer name us. 

Let’s break down how different life stages shape the work of deconditioning™, and what that means for leadership today.

The Shifting Currents of Influence

Let’s keep it real: more than our resumes shape who we beco

me. Every chapter of life brings different influences. Some may be loud, some quiet, but no matter the volume, they push, mold, and pull us in directions we don't always choose.

Here’s a closer look at how these influences shift over time:

1. Childhood & Adolescence: Where the Script Gets Written

This is where the “shoulds” start.

We internalize our first definitions of success: what it means to be good, to be smart, to belong. Family, school, faith, communities, and media all pour into our conditioning. We learn early on who gets praised, who gets punished, and what “success” looks like. From this, we build subconscious scripts, and these often go unchecked for decades.

For me, one of those early messages came with the idea that if I just put my head down and worked hard, someone would notice. I expected that simply by doing good work, someone would eventually give me a big break. As a Black child, that was a survival script I inherited early. But it didn’t play out that way in leadership or in life. I had to recognize how that conditioning showed up not only in me, but in the people I was leading. Especially those who never asked for more, and just kept their heads down, hoping to be seen. When recognition never comes, quiet labor turns into quiet resentment.

Excavating that belief helped me rewrite the narrative – not just for myself, but for others. You can't lead from the shadows. You can't grow if you're stuck waiting for someone else to validate your worth.

2. Young Adulthood: When Rebellion Meets Pressure

We test the limits, but we’re also desperate to prove ourselves.

This is when we feel torn between rebellion and acceptance. You might challenge your teachings, but likely you still aim to meet expectations: secure the job, live the "right" way, etc. Many leaders get stuck here by confusing performance with presence.

For more on this, check out one of my previous blogs, Unlearning the Performance.

3. Midlife: When the Mask Slips

Many misunderstand midlife as a crisis. I believe it’s actually an awakening of your sovereign self.

Yes, this stage also brings a significant shift, but you’ve also met some of your goals, collected titles, and maybe even hit a few milestones. Something feels off and the questions get louder. Not just, “What’s next?” but “Who am I doing this for?” That’s the beginning of real deconditioning™. It's beyond the professional deconditioning™ in leadership development; it's about you.

The facade of leadership cracks, and that’s when real leadership can begin.

That’s what happened to me. For years, I was living out a story I didn’t choose. I only had access to my mother’s side of the family, so I leaned on religion and a hard work ethic to make sense of who I was. I believed that being good would lead to being seen. But over time, I realized someone had handed me an identity, and I was performing it, not living intentionally.

I remember asking myself, if I wasn’t beholden to my conditioning, who would I be? That question didn’t come early. It came when I was deep enough into my life to realize I was tired of living someone else’s script. That’s what midlife makes possible.

It’s not a crisis. It’s an invitation.

4. Later Life: The Grace of Release

Peace isn't guaranteed in later life, but for those who’ve done the work, it often brings clarity. You stop chasing titles and start prioritizing truth. 

In your later years, you let go of the need to prove, to perform, to push. There’s a deeper desire for peace, meaning, and alignment. Ironically, many find that they become their most powerful leaders when they stop trying to lead in the traditional sense, if you have done the work. 

Authenticity becomes the mission and not the strategy.

Why Deconditioning™ in Leadership Development Matters

Most people treat leadership development like a one-size-fits-all strategy. But deconditioning™ in leadership invites us to go deeper — to align our leadership with our stage of life, inner identity, and evolving values. It’s not just about what we do — it’s about what we’re ready to unlearn.

• In your twenties and thirties, you might need to unpack hustle as identity.

• In your forties, you might need to grieve the dream that wasn’t yours.

• In your fifties and beyond, you might need to release the need for external validation altogether.

  
  

You may wonder why I am bringing all of this up. It’s my story. As I experienced and found my way through each stage, it showed up in my leadership of people. Deconditioning™ is leadership in practice. When we shed hustle culture, performance-based worth, and outdated evaluation systems, we create space for wisdom and evolution to drive impact. This is what real deconditioning looks like for leaders like you. It’s not a check the box assignment; it’s re-alignment to your being, and your age does not exempt you from the work. In all actuality, it informs the steps you’ll need to take to be your best self.

The Growfessor's Reflection Questions On Deconditioning™ In Leadership Development

This is just Stage 1: excavation. And if you’re still here, you’re already doing the work. Take a moment to check in:

Let’s talk about it in the comments. This isn’t a one-way conversation. I want to hear from you.

My Invitation: Begin Your Journey Of Deconditioning™ In Leadership

You don’t have to do this alone, and you don’t have to do it all at once. I’m telling you, the sooner you understand how stage of life, identity, and influence are shaping your leadership, the sooner you can choose a different path.

If you’re ready to shed what no longer fits and grows into what’s possible, let’s talk.

Schedule your complimentary Growtation session. Let’s get beneath the performance and into the purpose.

Stay curious. Stay courageous.

Keep growing. 

— The Growfessor