The Burdened Stage: Recognizing What You’ve Been Carrying

“You have no chance of healing what you’re not aware of.”~ The Growfessor

Ayo GrowTribe,

I need to tell you, we all carry something.

For some of us, it’s the invisible pressure to perform. For others, it’s the weight of perfectionism — a survival strategy we didn’t ask for, but still inherited. Some burdens come from the stories our families told us about what it means to succeed. Others come from workplace cultures that reward burnout over balance.

Being a leader doesn’t make you immune to these patterns. To be honest, these burdens shape us. That’s the nature of conditioning: it quietly molds your identity, behaviors, and definitions of success until you mistake it for truth. Real leadership asks us to get honest because what we don’t acknowledge, we act out. And what we don’t release, we repeat.

What Are Leadership Burdens?

Burdens aren’t always loud. They don’t always show up in chaos or conflict. Sometimes they’re subtle—disguised as ambition, responsibility, a strong work ethic or masked as over-functioning. Sometimes they’re quiet and sound like:

• “If I’m not busy, I’m not valuable.”

• “I need to be twice as good to get half as far.”

• “I can’t slow down or I’ll fall behind.”

These aren’t just stray thoughts. They’re inherited systems of survival—internalized from family expectations, school systems, professional cultures, and the broader societal eye. Almost always, we absorb these internalized expectations without question. Until you’re put in a position where you don’t have a choice but to stop and question yourself. 

These burdens can look like:

• Performance-as-worth: equating your output with your value.

• Perfectionism as protection: believing one mistake could dismantle everything.

• Hyper-independence: taught by necessity, reinforced by experience.

• Martyrdom in service: especially for leaders socialized to care for others first.

• Productivity guilt: where rest is laziness.

In stage 1 of my deconditioning framework, we’re not yet shedding the weight. We’re learning how to identify it. 

The Weight Before the Shift

Before we can lead others, we have to be honest about what’s shaped us.

Sometimes, clarity doesn’t arrive all at once—it creeps in slowly, disguised as everyday pain. For me, it showed up in the quietest place: the driveway.

To give you context, I grew up fatherless. I had never had a loving conversation with a man I shared DNA with. No one ever explained the absence to me. I just knew what was missing.

Fast forward to my adulthood. After my divorce, I began noticing this emotional pattern I couldn’t explain. Every time I dropped my kids off at their mom’s house, I broke down. Without fail. And while my kids knew I was coming back, something inside me hurt.

I used to cry every single time I dropped my kids off. And I didn’t understand why it hit me so hard—until one day it clicked: it wasn’t about them. It was about me. It was about being that little boy again. The one nobody explained anything to. The one whose father wasn’t around.

That was the moment I realized I was functioning out of a wound I hadn’t even named. Not yet. I didn’t have the language for deconditioning. But I knew I had been carrying something.

This is the essence of the Burdened Stage. You don’t fix it. You don’t reframe it. Here, the serenity prayer becomes practical. What’s yours? What’s not? You simply notice it. 

The Uncomfortable Truth: Reflection is the First Form of Unlearning

So let’s pause here. You don’t need to fix it. Just identify by excavating:

• What invisible burdens have shaped how I lead, show up, or define success?

• Who taught me that slowing down means falling behind?

• What beliefs am I still carrying that no longer belong or resonate with me?

Let’s open the floor for conversation. Who’s brave enough to begin their deconditioning? What’s a burden you’re ready to examine? Leave a comment to start a conversation.

You’re in excellent hands. Your honesty might open the door for someone else.

Want to Revisit the Bigger Picture?

We covered the importance of the 4-steps of deconditioning in our last blog Unlearning Leadership – The 4-Step Process to Deconditioning & Growth. We explored how conditioning shapes leadership, why deconditioning is necessary, and introduced this transformative framework.

Ready to Go Deeper

Over the next few weeks, we’ll move through each stage of the Deconditioning Framework. Next up, reclaiming your power. But for now, stay here. Breathe here. Reflect here. Now is where the real work begins.

If you’re ready to unpack this in real time, Schedule Your Complimentary Growtation. Together, we’ll explore what you’ve been carrying—and what you’re ready to release