Unlearning the Performance: Why High-Achieving Leaders Must Let Go of Proving & Performative Leadership to Build Real Trust

For as long as many of us can remember, someone has trained us to move through the world a certain way. Work hard. Follow the rules. Perform well and you will succeed. It’s the promise wrapped inside every promotion, resume, and leadership pipeline that claims to be fair. Especially systems rooted in meritocracy.

But here’s the truth they don’t talk about: Meritocracy was never real.

It’s a system built on the myth of equal access, opportunity, and judgment. When in reality, opportunity has always been uneven, gatekeeping has always been active, and the rules were never written for everyone.

When you see that clearly, you realize performing perfectly will never free you. It only teaches you how to survive a rigged game. We’ve talked about this and more in my last blog, “The Fallacy of Meritocracy: The System Built Was Never Fair”. If you haven’t read it yet, take some time and dig deep into the questions I offered and let me know what you think in the comments. 

When You Stop Performing, You Start Leading

As I stepped into project and cross-functional leadership, I recognized patterns with my team. They weren’t just navigating their roles; they were also navigating their wounds. 

Case in point, one of my team members came to me, clearly anxious. He had rearranged his meetings, handled his responsibilities, and thought through every detail. Still, he stood there listing it all out, trying to justify why he needed to leave at three o’clock.

He wasn’t asking because the work wasn’t done. He was asking because somewhere along the way, he learned to fear the cost of choosing himself. That was the moment I knew I could either reinforce the rules that had harmed him or I could model a difference through unlearning. So I asked him to sit down.

This was an opportunity for me to speak to this person's conditioning. I reminded him of the principles we discussed during the interview. We don’t operate on control; we run on trust.

I looked him in the eye and said, “You don’t have to perform for me. Your development is our responsibility. We believe in work-life integration, and we fully empower you to be where you need to be.” He had already made sure that his performance was not impacted. So I reiterated, “I believe in you and I trust you. If you're worried about your family, then you're not fully present here.”

In that moment, he felt something most high performers rarely do—felt empowered. 

Reclaiming Leadership: From Performance to Power

When I stopped performing, my leadership changed.

Instead of trying to control every move, I started trusting my team. I stopped demanding surface-level compliance and started nurturing real ownership. Instead of trying to survive inside broken systems, I built different ones.

I created a culture where people didn’t have to ask permission to be human. Where we didn't punish people for protecting their peace, and where growth benefited the entire team, not just individuals. 

Because when you unlearn the need to perform, you reclaim the truth that was already yours. You are not here to prove. You are here to lead and leadership rooted in trust builds people.

The Uncomfortable Truth

This is the part where I ask you, what are we doing? 

If you’re still performing either for approval, safety, or validation, please know you are not alone. But also know you don’t have to stay there. Sit with these questions for a second and then let’s have a conversation in the comment section:

• Where are you still asking for permission when you already have the power?

• What part of you is still performing? What’s stopping you from showing up in your full truth?

• What stories are you carrying with you from a previous supervisor? What benefits you from this baggage?

Guess what? You are allowed to rewrite the rules, lead differently, and unlearn performance and return to your power. 

Ready to Go Deeper

Here's the truth of it all; you’ve been taught to perform. Others have praised you for your performance, but what would it look like to remove the mask?

If old scripts appear, you need help in letting them go. If you are ready to excavate and lead with more truth, then I’m here. Let’s unpack it together. 

Start owning your truth. You’re exactly where you need to be, schedule a Complimentary Growtation. Together, we’ll explore what you’ve been carrying—and what you’re ready to release.